Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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