I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
