I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize