she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
