finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
