I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
