My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
