I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
