and you said cock pushups were impossible
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
