Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
