If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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