Don't you send me to vm
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
