Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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