Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
