hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
