I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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