Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
