I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
