it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize