fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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