Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
