If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just threw up on my dentist
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
