i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
