Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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