the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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