Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
