I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He passed out mid-signature
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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