he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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