i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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