i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
