I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
