roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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