theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize