Heybabeimwearingurpanties
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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