I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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