Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize