youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
