my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
