Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
