True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we're making bets on your personal life
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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