I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
