The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i have two assholes
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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