yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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