everyone is single if you try hard enough
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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