Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
