Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My liver just had a heart attack.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
