2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
