I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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