You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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