My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
