you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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