you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
