What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
