the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
