My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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