Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
