My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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