He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
