my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
