I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
