So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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