Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
