So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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