Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
