He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
