Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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