Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
