it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
